The 'Hood

Last mommyriffic post, or at least last pontificating mommyriffic post, for a bit. (I have the SC for the next 10 days straight so I am assuming that most of my posts will be SC centric, but not terribly deep).

Yesterday I got to experience what it would be like to have two children as a single parent. The SC and I had the pleasant company of a very cheerful River, for about 4 hours. I want to take pains to stress that she did not once fuss, she did not require a lot of carrying, she fed herself, had only one diaper change, and was a very happy and well-behaved tot.

I cannot imagine how anyone does it.

My mother was single for about 40 seconds post divorce (she was hot, yo!) although it took us 2 years to meet our eventual stepfather because she ascribes to the same philosophy as I do. In those ensuing two years she managed to raise two strongheaded small children -- well, my brother was small (he was still in diapers); I was 7-- without going batshit insane. My dad managed by landing my stepmom early on -- say about 6 months in -- and she helped. Tremendously.

But the real heros are the ones that I didn't experience personally, as my own family got along excessively well post-divorce. The ones where the moms and dads don't support eachother (we're talking emotionally and logistically, not fiscally) and the message is brought home that you (as the parent) are very much on your own. Q's mom was like this -- 4 kids, dad deserted them for all intents and purposes, and the youngest was 3. Full time mom, full time student, full time worker bee. I do not understand how she did it -- even if you're blessed with cherubic offspring it's a bit like herding cats.  You get one squared away foodwise then the other one decides they want that, too. You're wiping one's nose and the other one needs something else wiped. One is kinda tired and wants to chill, the other wants to race around; and this is just 2 kids-- how to deal with more kids than you have hands (like 3 or 4) stupefies me.

Which is not to say that motherhood is a chore and unenjoyable -- it is very worthwile, *if* you want it -- but it is a bit like that high-powered, high-stress, high-pay job: you pay to play. Most people intend to have small children with their significant other, never dreaming in a million years that person would leave you hanging -- or your resultant issue. I tell my friends who talk about wanting children to think long and hard about it: do you want it so badly you dream about it all the time? The good and the bad? Do you yearn to have sleepless nights, parent-teacher conferences that are not all positive, answer difficult questions? Do you understand that your childcare expenses can easily rival your mortgage payment? Do you understand that you can't plan on the fly anymore, because sitters -- good ones-- are hard to come by? Do you understand that privacy, sleeping in, and spending money on yourself can (and probably will) become a luxury? You do? Great. You're almost ready. 

Now do you understand that there is the very real possibility that you will be alone?  I have a small group of friend-friends that I see quite often and of those that are or have been married (I count 8 -- current couples count as one) I count 5 divorces. Mine's the only one with offspring. The divorce rate is 50%, folks. That means if you look around at your friends and their pseudoperfect relationships, 1 in 2 sets are due for the courthouse at some eventuality. Maybe not today, maybe not this year, but, statistically speaking, sometime. The child may be 2, or 3, or 11, or 13, or 18. Your partner may be just as involved as you are and may not be. Like Social Security and Unemployment Insurance, it's not bad to assume what's there is there but it's foolish to plan for it exclusively.

Which is all a very soapboxy, round about way to say that parenthood is hard enough as it is, but singleparenthood can be that much more difficult, and my hat's off to those who can do it with multiple children.